47 at 47 - My first blog post
47 things I’ve learned at 47
So, these lists seem to be all the rage. You see them more often written by 20, 25, 40 year olds. Something about those nice round numbers.
But fuck those nice round numbers.
As I turn 47, I know that I am the best person I have ever been in my life. Best me, best mom, best wife. And I am stinkin’ proud of how I have overcome the last five years of personal turmoil. I have overcome a lot. Physical health mysteries. Mental health refocused. Career clarified.
In no particular order, here’s my list of what mattered over the years.
Focus your attention on what is in your control. To do otherwise is to invite pain and fear and worry and anxiety into your life.
Life’s too short not to skip the parts of movies you know you don’t like. Example: Love Actually is one of my favourite movies. But I skip the Prime Minister dancing. And the awkward scene between Karl and Sarah. Makes the movie better.
Same - if a book doesn’t grip you by your heart, soul, or mind after two chapters, it isn’t worth it. I don’t doubt that Midnight’s Children is a fantastic book. But three separate attempts just didn’t grab me. So long Midnight’s Children!
If you suspect you are in the wrong job, trust that suspicion. I once had a boss tell me that we spend a third of our life sleeping and a third of our life working. So you better be damn sure you like your bed AND your job.
Life doesn’t happen to you, life just happens. Accept it, good or bad. And deal with it.
Trust your gut or instincts or your North Star or whatever. You really *do* know yourself. Choose to trust you.
Prepare for the worst. It’s not pessimistic. It prepares you for what might not go according to plan. There’s a whole field based on preparing for the worst: risk management. It isn’t dreary. It is prudent.
Listen to your children. Not just in passing. Every now and then, really focus on what they are saying. They know your heart. And there aren’t many who do. Treasure it.
Live in the present. There’s a fancy Latin term for this: memento mori, Remember that you are going to die. Again, not dreary. Instead something to help you live in the present. YOLO! Right kids?
Instead of frying your bacon, bake it at 403 degrees for 15-20 minutes. Line your baking sheet with aluminum foil. Save your clothes from grease splatters. (Please tell me you are wearing clothes.)
Encourage your children to develop their talents. Whatever those talents are.
Be kind. Seriously. Just be kind.
Spend time remembering your parents. My parents both died before I was 33. Those memories can be a balm of comfort.
When you are walking in a park, take a deep breath. Life is everywhere around you. Breathe it in.
Wrap yourself in the songs that fill you with warmth and memories. Seriously. Encapsulate yourself in the feelings those songs evoke in you.
Chunk your time. Set time aside for the things that matter.
Remember to set time aside for your passion.
Knit.
Every now and then, binge on something that gives your brain a break.
Accept and embrace your introverted self. Don’t let our extrovert-favouring society dictate how you should be. (Same goes for you extroverts. But, you know, the introvert-favouring society.)
Re-read your favourite books. I have read A Fine Balance at least four times. And each time I get something new.
Figure out what settles you. Five deep breaths? Running through a movie in your brain as best as possible as you try to sleep? Whatever it is. Find it. And rely on it.
Stop every now and then. Notice the smell, the sights, the memories evoked. There is a gopher haven not far from me. I cannot measure the joy those gophers give me whenever I stop and see their lives unfold before me.
Accept that you look 20 years older than you did 20 years ago. Those wrinkles and rolls and greys are a testament to 20 years lived.
Find your Mike. (I found my Mike when I was 25.)
Siblings really do matter. Though they may remember the same event differently than you do, they can provide additional context. I fought this for ages. I felt separate from my siblings because I remembered things differently. And now? Chatting about the same memory from different points of view creates a more complete picture.
Play Lego. Whenever your kids ask. Just play it. The sound of dragging your hands through a pile of Lego will spark so many memories.
Also, speaking of memories, while basking in them, do not live your life according to them. Our story-telling natures create a narrative that fits for us. But the narrative of years gone by are not necessarily the narrative you live by today.
Take the time to respect past trauma. For the love of God, do not neglect the past trauma. Do not minimise it. Trauma is real. And though it doesn’t have to rule who you are today, it does inform how you see the world.
Build all the inside jokes you can between you and the people you love. Mike and I have lost count of our inside jokes. We can share the most intimate moments when someone says something that reminds of our inside jokes. In those times, we share a glance, and an armful of intimate memories.
Drink whiskey with your dad when you can. Even if it means finishing a bottle of Jamesons at a bar on your 21st birthday.
Fall in love. Oh my word. Fall in love. And it is okay to fall into starter-love. Those past relationships help you to refine what it is you need in a life partner.
Shift your mindset from “should’ to “want”. Set yourself up for action, rather than judgement.
Make a list of what you want in a spouse, but be flexible. Four out of five turned out to be my life’s happiness.
Dance. Oh my goodness. Just dance. Whether you are making pasta for the littles while listening to Ani DiFranco. Or Frente at the grocery store. Or Cowboy Junkies in an airport parking lot. Never let the fear of looking like an idiot stop you from dancing.
Thank those who have helped you on your path. I’ve sent a note to my career counsellor. I am trying to track down my high school math teacher. If someone has touched your life, thank them.
Honour those who have made you who you are. The good and the bad. The good reinforces. The bad makes us define ourselves from the other.
Be open to love. From the flower on the way to work, to the loonie you put in the panhandler’s cup. Let your actions be informed by love.
Get some sort of exercise. And eat well. Even if you do those things grudgingly, know that they may extend your life. Those who love you will appreciate it.
Read Harry Potter repeatedly. Except for maybe Order of the Phoenix. Harry was sure an annoying adolescent in that one.
Sisters rock. If you have one, and it’s all good, relish it. I taught my sister about tampons, she taught me about love. I guess she wins the sister-of-the-year award.
Let yourself be sad about things. Sadness isn’t wrong. It is just information that something has made you sad. Don’t fight it. Same with anger. Just don’t punch holes in walls.
Your mental health is like living in the present - it is all you have. Do not ignore nagging signs of depression. Do not explain away anxiety. There are people in this world that can help you make yourself whole again. Trust them.
Sneak into your kids’ rooms before you go to bed. Watch them in their sleepy innocence. But don’t go all “I’ll love you forever” on your kids. That’s just weird.
It is never, ever, bever, too late to start living the life you want. You choose your path.
Use a pen that fills you with satisfaction. Papermates? Nope. Parkers? Yes.
Middle age is a time of reckoning. It is not a crisis. Bask in the lessons you have learned and look forward to being the person they have formed.
What are your lessons? I’d love to hear.
